Everyone Wants L
by Sashocirrione
Summary: Everyone, literally everyone, is after L for some hot action. But what does L want? Sweets, maybe? Humor, smutt and crack. Insane sexual situations. Anything can happen, and does.


**Title: **"Everyone Wants L"

**Author: **Sashocirrione

**Spoilers: **Spoilers for many points in the series, including some spoilers for who dies. Spoiler for "Death Note: Another Note: The Los Angeles Murder Cases."

**Warnings: **NO UNDERAGE READERS. Rated M for a reason. Sexual activities, swearing. Old meme. Sexual misconduct, sexual harassment, necrophilia and possibly underage all treated flippantly and described in not much detail.

**Summary: **Everyone, literally everyone, is after L for some hot action. But what does L want? Sweets, maybe? Humor.

**Pairings: **LxEveryone. Yes, everyone. Plus, some EveryonexL if you're going to be picky about seme/uke ordering. And a little bit of Mello/Near/Matt threesome.

**Additional Notes: **This is crack fiction. Expect nonsense, and it'll make sense.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.

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When Watari entered the main room at the investigation headquarters, he at first didn't see L. He glanced around, seeing Aizawa, Soichiro, Matsuda and Mogi, all busily circling the room clutching documents and charts that looked very important. Then, Watari gave a loud gasp as he noticed that even Ide and Ukita were present.

"Wait!" Watari stuttered in his British drawl, "isn't Ukita dead? And Ide isn't on the investigation team. Didn't he refuse to even join the team? And that was months ago after interacting with us for just a couple of minutes?"

"Don't worry!" Matsuda said, "Ide's just visiting. He came here from the future, when he is on the team, so he's cool with all our secrets and everything. See, there's his time machine. Plus, he has really neat eyes!"

"Yes," Ide said, "my eyes are just as unique as L's eyes, but for some reason hardly anybody wants me. I'm going to start staying up late every single night so I can develop dark bags just like him. Then, I'll look super-cool and have plenty of fangirls."

Watari was just about to ask if Ukita had come on a time machine too when he spotted L. L was at the top of a tall ladder, crouched in his I'm-a-retarded-frog posture on the very top step. He had to be so high in order to stack the final doughnut on a 20-foot-tall stack of doughnuts.

As he carefully settled the doughnut into place, L said, "I'm out of sweets. Will you bring me some cake, Watari?"

"Why don't you eat one of the doughnuts?"

L rolled his eyes sarcastically and said, "But, then this stack would be imperfect. My obsessive-compulsive personality won't allow it."

Then Ide and Aizawa ascended the ladder and had a hot threesome with L. There was plenty of moaning, dirty talking, and almost falling off the ladder as the three men rocked together in an awkward rhythm. Soichiro looked on in horror, then wiped a tear from one eye and said, "That was supposed to be me!"

As L withdrew from Ide and pulled up his pants, he said, "Next week, old man. I told you next week. Unless your son is Kira, in which case I'll punish you by making you wait three more weeks. Besides, top-of-the-ladder threesomes are for people with a sense of balance."

"It's so true," Matsuda agreed, "I've tried to have a threesome with Ryuzaki and Light on top of a ladder twice now, and each time I just fall off before anyone can penetrate me. I prefer my threesomes in the shower. Then, if I fall down, they just penetrate me anyway."

"Ryuzaki," Watari said, "I think before we talk about cake, we need to have a discussion about Light. I thought he was your prime suspect, so he had to stay handcuffed to you at all times, right? Where is he?"

L began descending the ladder like a monkey and said, "I've made a new deduction about Light. I believe that by removing the handcuffs I can decrease the frequency of our sexual encounters to four percent of what they would be with the handcuffs, and thereby increase my mental capability for solving the Kira case by seventy-three percent. Until noon today, when I was handcuffed to Light, the two of us had sex over five hundred times. However, in the hour since I unlocked the handcuffs, I've only had sex with Light three times."

"Actually," Mogi said, "that would be five times if you count the threesome you had with Light and Ryuk and the foursome you had with Light, Takada and Light's mother."

L waved one hand in the air dismissively, saying, "Threesomes and moresomes involving Light don't count! Their frequency has no relation to whether I'm chained to Light or not."

L had finally reached the bottom of the ladder and Watari was about to speak with L once more, when Watari stopped in response to lots of little moans coming from below. Watari glanced down and saw Mello dry-humping one of L's legs while Near dry-humped the other. Matt was approaching from the side holding a strangely-shaped handheld game console, one that was long and slender.

Matt said, "Mello, I'm gonna fuck you with this until you come all over L's jeans!"

Watari said, "L, I thought these boys were like thirteen or something. And, aren't they still in England?"

L smacked a hand to his forehead and said, "Sorry, I keep forgetting I'm not a pedophile."

Then L kicked them free of his legs and said, "Boys, why don't you go have a little threesome by yourselves? Come back in a few years and I'll give you lots more orgasms. All those other times, I was just confused!"

Near and Mello both looked up at L with stars in their eyes and said, in unison, "Yes, L!"

Then Near and Mello glared at each other, ripped each other's clothes off, and started having really hateful sex on the floor. Matt wasted no time in inserting the hand-held video game in Mello's ass while Mello rammed himself repeatedly into Near. After Matt adjusted the position of the game a bit, it began emitting little snatches of music and electronic beeps.

Matt said, "Wow, I can still play the game when it's in Mello's butt!"

L opened his mouth to speak when suddenly Aiber, Wedy and Higuchi pounced on him, and he got drawn into a foursome involving cross-dressing in Misa's clothing, master/slave conditioning and being burned by Wedy's cigarettes. In the middle of that sexual act, Aiber and Wedy got tired and wandered away, but Demegawa and Sidoh immediately replaced them. L didn't seem to notice.

Finally, when everyone involved had come at least three times, L managed to crawl free and say, "Watari, about that cake..."

But, Light suddenly came out of nowhere and had an epic 69 with L right there on the floor.

When L finished with that, he said, "Watari, I insist you bring me cake right this instant."

Watari said, "Ryuzaki, I really must scold you about your behavior. You've done every single person on the investigation team at least ten times just in the last week, and in the last month you've had sex with nearly everyone you've ever met and quite a number of people you haven't, but you've only had sex with me once in the last year. I feel terribly neglected."

Watari turned his back to L, pulled down his trousers, and presented his wrinkled, hairy arse.

Watari said, "I don't mind being the uke at all, if it means you'll pump me full of your hot love juice. I'm not dead yet. Have mercy on an old man and stick your penis in my bum."

L sighed and said, "Watari, you're right about my behavior. It just isn't acceptable for the greatest detective in the world to act like this. I'm getting tired, Watari. I think my penis is getting worn out."

"I'll do anything," Watari said, "anything. Just tell my how I can get some hot L action."

L placed a thumb in his mouth and bit it repeatedly until the entire nail came off. He spit the bloody, broken thumbnail across the room, hitting the wastebasket perfectly, then pulled his thumb out of his mouth and inspected it. Satisfied, he put his thumb entirely back in his mouth and sucked on it vigorously, just like a baby sucking on a baby bottle. Then his eyes widened, as something seemed to occur to him.

L said, "I think it'll work if I'm the uke and you're the seme. Since I do tend to be the seme, my bum-hole isn't quite as worn out. Though, it is sore from when Misa and Naomi Misora took turns pegging me with strap-on dildos a couple days ago. So, be gentle with me, Watari."

"Bu-t," Watari stammered, "bu-t I thought the only time you met Naomi Misora in person was briefly in a public subway at the conclusion of the Los Angeles BB murder case, and, besides, she's dead."

L's eyes widened and he said, "Ah! Now I get it. Necrophilia. That's why Naomi smelled like a corpse and never said a word and I had to do all the thrusting while Misa held Naomi up against me!"

Watari turned around and started undoing L's jeans. L swatted him away, saying, "You're old and ugly, and cake is far more important. You must get me the cake as soon as this is done, before anyone else has a chance to jump me. Do you promise?"

"Yes," Watari said, "I will get you the best cake ever."

L lay on his back on the floor in front of Watari, and Watari carefully took L's pants off. Watari's hands were trembling from anticipation, and as he raised L's legs over his shoulders and looked down at L's bony white ass, he knew he was about to penetrate The. Sexiest. Man. In. Existence.

The thought alone was almost enough to make Watari come right then and there, before any sexual contact. But, he held in his feelings and pushed himself into L's tight heat. Oh, it was good. Despite the many others who had already penetrated L today, the man was as tight as a virgin. Watari moaned and began thrusting in and out. It was smooth, effortless sliding. Puzzled, Watari looked down, but he hadn't hurt L. He didn't see any blood.

Watari said, "Where did the lubrication come from?"

L replied, "Oh, that. Lubrication just magically appears inside me about half the time. If you had sex with me more often, you'd already know about it."

Watari thrust in especially hard and said, "Oh, L!"

L moaned up at him, "Oh, Watari!"

And then, they promised true love forever as Watari pumped harder and faster. The conversation continued as the thrusting speeded up. They were talking about the details of their wedding plans when Watari suddenly felt a tight explosion in his penis and dribbled a few drops of his old-man seed inside L. At exactly the same moment, right down to a fraction of a millisecond, L came in an enormous geyser that split into two separate streams, circled around Watari's body, and then rejoined into one stream that reached all the way to the ceiling and left an enormous cum-splatter three meters wide.

Across the room, Mello, Matt and Near were still going at it, and Matt jumped up, doing a little happy dance and saying, "I got to the next level in the game! I never thought I'd be able to combine my two passions into one activity. I love playing video games that are lodged in Mello's ass."

Mello paused from sucking off Near just long enough to say, "Just wait, Matt. I'm going to combine chocolate and you pretty soon, and it'll be epic! I'm gonna eat Matt's special fudge!"

Matt got a greenish, sick look to his face.

Just then, L said, "Watari, playtime's over. Get the cake."

Watari replied, "I'm sorry for lying to you, but you're just so hot and I need you so bad. I actually... was seeking you out originally... to tell you that we're completely out of cake."

Suddenly, L's eyes looked like baby kitten eyes. They were round, cute and shimmering with extra moisture that hadn't been there a second ago. No anime character in history had ever possessed cuter eyes than L did at just that moment.

L tilted his head to one side and said, "The cake is a lie?"

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

This story just suddenly happened. It was a complete and utter accident while I was trying to finish other writing projects. I place the blame squarely on the people who keep putting requests into the death note kink meme at livejournal. Yes, this is another little ficlet born of procrastination. It wasn't my fault! The pervert muses made me write it, or it would have just kept circulating in my brain!

This fic was slightly inspired by conversations with icaughtkira and other people.

Thank you once again to all my wonderful reviewers!


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